Strong Island

Some people, maybe even you, would encourage me to open up a chain of Cobra Kai Karate studios and instruct servers and bartenders on how to sweep the legs of the consumers who make us want to kill people the most. 

If you say the following phrase.....then you are lucky enough at this very moment in your life to have me tell you how annoying you are. That doesn't mean that you have to change your overly agitating ways for me or for your local watering hole tender. I just want you to truly know how much you fucking piss me off.

You: "I want a STRONG ISLAND!!!!!!!!" 

Me: "You want a drink that's meant for 16 year old's who just recently weaned themselves off the Smirnoff Ice? You want a chilled beverage that contains more alcohol in it for free so that you can get ‘fucked up’ for a cheaper price? You don’t want to taste the combination of 5 liquors but you want it to be strong?

Listen here you cheap fucking bastard…...this is what I’m going to do for you. I’m going to give you my fake crooked smile and say ‘gotcha’ in the most pleasant way that I can conjure up. Then I’m going to fill your cup with more ice than it can possibly hold. Next, you’re lucky enough that I’m going to put the appropriate amount of liquor in your glass; no more, no less. From there I will splash in some sour mix and some lovely fountain cola. Lastly, I will top it off with more ice so that now your drink will be more water than anything and I will charge you $6.50 for it.

So now you take a sip. And since I put in less sour mix and more ice, you will think it tastes ‘extra strong’. So you will tip me more than you should and go tell all your friends how the bartender just hooked you up. Lucky for me, all your credulous little friends will come up to me and one by one, ask me for the same thing expecting me to hook them up just like I did for you. And of course I will show them the same VIP treatment as I showed you.”

That’s what I’m thinking every time you order a Strong Island.