"Go easy on me"

You:" I'm ready to close my tab.....and go easy on me."

Me: "Go easy on you? I'm not exactly sure what that means?" I DO know what that means, but I really just want you to verbalize it to me in greater depth so that I can just double check the fact that you're an idiot.

You: "Ya know...take it easy on me. I ordered a lot of shots from you so maybe you could hook me up on a few of those."

Me: "Sir, do you go to the check out line in Kroger and ask the cashier to 'go easy on me'?" You cheap fuck. If you don't have enough money to buy the shots.......then don't fucking order them!

You: "Aw, come on. I've worked in a bar before. I know you don't have to ring everything in."

Me: "Well, I'm not the owner of this establishment, sir. Therefore, this is not my alcohol to give away. Just like the Kroger cashier is not going to give you free bread; same concept." There are too many cuss words to insert here that would portray to you the thoughts that are going on in my head. But here's the moral of this unfortunate overly occurring incident: IF YOU WANT SHIT FOR FREE......MOVE BACK INTO YOUR MOTHER'S BASEMENT WHERE YOU BELONG. Don't embarrass yourself by allowing yourself to be put in public settings and situations where you are tempted to ask simpleminded moronic questions. You should stay home, download free apps on your phone, eat your mom's home cooked meals, and ask her for permission that would allow all your friends to come over........so that not one of you are at my bar.



(Just a reminder that I like to throw out........I am not an idiot that thinks this scenario above is a REAL problem. It's trivial and doesn't throw a negative kink into my life in any way shape or form. I just bitch about it on paper so that I can keep a smile on my face when you walk into my bar.)

Strong Island

Some people, maybe even you, would encourage me to open up a chain of Cobra Kai Karate studios and instruct servers and bartenders on how to sweep the legs of the consumers who make us want to kill people the most. 

If you say the following phrase.....then you are lucky enough at this very moment in your life to have me tell you how annoying you are. That doesn't mean that you have to change your overly agitating ways for me or for your local watering hole tender. I just want you to truly know how much you fucking piss me off.

You: "I want a STRONG ISLAND!!!!!!!!" 

Me: "You want a drink that's meant for 16 year old's who just recently weaned themselves off the Smirnoff Ice? You want a chilled beverage that contains more alcohol in it for free so that you can get ‘fucked up’ for a cheaper price? You don’t want to taste the combination of 5 liquors but you want it to be strong?

Listen here you cheap fucking bastard…...this is what I’m going to do for you. I’m going to give you my fake crooked smile and say ‘gotcha’ in the most pleasant way that I can conjure up. Then I’m going to fill your cup with more ice than it can possibly hold. Next, you’re lucky enough that I’m going to put the appropriate amount of liquor in your glass; no more, no less. From there I will splash in some sour mix and some lovely fountain cola. Lastly, I will top it off with more ice so that now your drink will be more water than anything and I will charge you $6.50 for it.

So now you take a sip. And since I put in less sour mix and more ice, you will think it tastes ‘extra strong’. So you will tip me more than you should and go tell all your friends how the bartender just hooked you up. Lucky for me, all your credulous little friends will come up to me and one by one, ask me for the same thing expecting me to hook them up just like I did for you. And of course I will show them the same VIP treatment as I showed you.”

That’s what I’m thinking every time you order a Strong Island.